Some days are bad, they just are. Sometimes it seems like there are more bad days than good ones. I know you have all been through it. You know, those times when trials seem to come like rain. Times are not that great for a lot of us economically, job-wise, cheer-wise...
The other night someone knocked on our door, really hard. Usually when that happens it is an impatient person who has been standing there pushing our tricky doorbell when all along it is not ringing inside! I hurried to the door and opened it expecting to apologize for keeping someone waiting. Instead I found a bit of sunshine on our porch. Someone had brought a centerpiece from the Womens Conference dinner and left it for me to find. It was made of sunflowers and a Mason jar with rustic wire and a little card that said "Scatter Sunshine".
I smiled as I put the flowers on my piano. My sweet Relief Society Presidency knows of some trials in my life and I am sure they hoped to see me at the dinner and conference. I on the other hand was at home entertaining my mother and sister but I would not have gone even if they hadn't been visiting. I get claustrophobic in wide open places like chapels and at big events. I start to tremble and wonder if I will make it through whatever I am attending. Church every Sunday is a real trial for me. It has been this way for about a year. I have anxiety disorder.
I said it.
I was diagnosed a year before my son's life fell apart with the very same thing plus some O.C.D. thrown in to make the trial even harder. I went through months of trying to find the right medication and just when I felt like I was getting stronger my sister died. I thought I was starting to feel better a few months later when my boy's life went into a tailspin. I felt like the Lord held me up through a long journey of learning how to deal with his O.C.D. and trying to help him get through each day. The way I coped with my own disorder was to simply shut out the rest of the world and focus on home and family. I gave up my callings in church, I didn't volunteer for anything at the kid's schools, I stopped attending any function that wasn't vital. I basically disappeared.
I am still invisible to a certain extent. I now lead the singing in Relief Society and it has made me very happy to be able to give a bit of myself and my talents back to the Lord. This morning as we drove to church the same Sunday routine began for me. I started to shake. I could feel the tremors all throughout my body. I focused on breathing nice and easy. All through Sacrament meeting I tried to stay calm. In recent weeks I have ditched out on Relief Society because of this. I wanted to make it through all three meetings today because it was ward conference. I felt a need to be there and not leave my pianist in the lurch. I prayed for calm and the ability to stay. It was granted. In return I heard the most beautiful lesson on laying our burdens at the feet of our Savior. I was blessed.
I felt the need to come home and write. Pound it all out on the keyboard. I may start a separate blog to journal all of these experiences. I have felt the need to write lately...a prompting perhaps?
Did I just make any sense? It feels good anyway. Thanks for listening.
I love you all, by the way. Keep scattering sunshine!